Positive Discipline – Mistaken Goals of Children’s Behavior 

As we’ve discussed, Positive Discipline is an approach to parenting and teaching that focuses on encouraging desirable behaviors and fostering a sense of responsibility, respect, and problem-solving in children. The concept of belonging and significance is the cornerstone of Positive Discipline.

Children who feel they belong are happier, more relaxed, and have fewer behavioral problems than others. They are also more motivated and more successful learners.

At our most recent parent education event, we talked about the Mistaken Goals of Children’s Behavior. 

The Mistaken Goals of Children’s Behavior is a concept within Positive Discipline that suggests children may display challenging behaviors to meet certain psychological or emotional needs. 

These mistaken goals are divided into four categories:

Undue Attention: Children may misbehave to gain attention, even if it’s negative attention because they feel neglected or unseen.

The mistaken Goal is – Undue Attention (to keep others busy or to get special service)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.

Power: Some children may act out to gain a sense of power or control, often when they feel powerless or overwhelmed in other areas of their lives.

The Mistaken Goal is– Misguided Power (to be boss)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I belong only when I’m boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can’t make me.

Revenge: Children might display challenging behavior to get back at others, seeking revenge for perceived wrongs or injustices they have experienced.

The Mistaken Goal is –Revenge (to get even)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I don’t think I belong, so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved.

Assumed Inadequacy: In this case, children may adopt a defeated attitude and engage in misbehavior because they feel incapable, insecure, or incompetent.

The Mistaken Goal is – Assumed Inadequacy (to give up and be left alone)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I can’t belong because I’m not perfect, so I’ll convince others not to expect anything from me. I am helpless and unable; it’s no use trying because I won’t do it right.

Once the mistaken goals are identified, adults can begin to take action to redirect the student’s purposes and help start better behavior.

Strategies might include:

  • Offering positive attention and reinforcement for appropriate behavior.
  • Providing choices and autonomy to meet the need for power constructively.
  • Teaching problem-solving skills and alternatives to seeking revenge.
  • Helping the student build the skills and confidence to face and overcome challenges rather than avoiding them.

All children misbehave. Positive Discipline encourages parents and educators to identify the underlying needs or goals behind a child’s behavior and respond constructively to address those needs. 

Instead of resorting to punitive measures, Positive Discipline promotes effective communication, problem-solving, and cooperation to help children develop social and emotional skills. 

By understanding and addressing the mistaken goals, adults can create a positive and supportive environment that fosters healthy development in children.

Warmly,

Gina Tryforos

Assistant Head of School-Student Support Coordinator