There is a part of a child’s soul that has always been unknown but which must be known. With a spirit of sacrifice and enthusiasm, we must go in search, like those who travel to foreign lands and tear up mountains in their search for hidden gold. ~ Maria Montessori
Reflective Listening, as discussed in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom, highlights the significance of genuine listening as a powerful tool in assisting children in resolving their own issues.
We often find ourselves wishing for someone to simply listen without providing solutions when we share our problems. A friend who truly listens and refrains from excessive advice creates an environment where problem-solving can naturally unfold.
The art of listening, without the impulse to fix, is essential in bridging the communication gap between adults and students. Often, adults tend to listen with the intention to talk, fix, or advise, even when their input is well-intentioned. However, this often results in the rejection of the information, leaving adults puzzled about why the problem was brought up in the first place.
Reflective listening is a practical skill that enables adults to connect with children and adolescents genuinely. It involves listening attentively, reflecting on what was heard, and confirming understanding without offering unsolicited input. When students approach us to share, they are often seeking understanding, connection, and an opportunity to process their experiences.
A straightforward method to enhance effective listening when a student confides in you with a problem involves the following steps:
- Listen attentively.
- Repeat their words to mirror what you heard.
- Validate their feelings.
- Ask if there’s more they wish to share, and repeat the process until they have finished expressing themselves.
Reflective Listening employs a format similar to “I Statements” but focuses on mirroring the communicator’s words.
For example, “You feel _______________, when _________________, and you wish __________________? Is there anything else?”
Scenario:
Randall, a 6-year-old student, ran off after feeling embarrassed. Randall cannot just run off.
Adult: “So, you felt embarrassed when Franklin called you stupid in front of everyone, and you wished he’d be more respectful?”
Adult: Is there anything else?”
Child: I wish he would go away.
So, you were feeling really hurt and embarrassed when he made fun of you in front of your friends, and you wish he would leave you alone?”
Adult: Is there anything else?”
Child: “I tried to be friends with him, but he just keeps picking on me.”
Adult: “So, you’re feeling really sad when Franklin picks on you, and you wish he would be kinder to you?”
OR
“So, you were feeling really embarrassed and ran away, but you wish you could find a way to be friends with Franklin?”
Adult: Is there anything else?”
Child: “I’m sorry I ran off again. Maybe I can use the Peace Corner when I go back to class.”
This approach fosters an atmosphere where individuals feel understood and accepted, leading to an improved emotional state.
Besides helping children resolve their problems, Reflective Listening is also effective in helping students calm down; in the case of Randall, Reflective Listening played a crucial role in fostering a sense of connection and capability.
As adults master the art of reflective listening and refrain from immediately providing advice or direction, they will see that children are very capable problem-solvers and are motivated to “do better,” especially if they feel understood, trusted, and connected.
