“Our work is not to teach, but to help the absorbent mind in its work of development. How marvelous it would be if by our help, if by an intelligent treatment of the child, if by understanding the needs of his physical life and by feeding his intellect, we could prolong the period of functioning of the absorbent mind!” -Maria Montessori, The Absorbent Mind

This month’s Family Connection newsletter does a nice job of explaining the period of intense mental activity called the absorbent mind that children experience during the first six years of their lives. You will learn what the absorbent mind is and how best to support children during this period of development. The newsletter also contains some great tips for cooking with your young child.

I hope you find this Family Connection useful and informative.

Have a great weekend,
Karen Sankey

As we’ve discussed, Positive Discipline is an approach to parenting and teaching that focuses on encouraging desirable behaviors and fostering a sense of responsibility, respect, and problem-solving in children. The concept of belonging and significance is the cornerstone of Positive Discipline.

Children who feel they belong are happier, more relaxed, and have fewer behavioral problems than others. They are also more motivated and more successful learners.

At our most recent parent education event, we talked about the Mistaken Goals of Children’s Behavior. 

The Mistaken Goals of Children’s Behavior is a concept within Positive Discipline that suggests children may display challenging behaviors to meet certain psychological or emotional needs. 

These mistaken goals are divided into four categories:

Undue Attention: Children may misbehave to gain attention, even if it’s negative attention because they feel neglected or unseen.

The mistaken Goal is – Undue Attention (to keep others busy or to get special service)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I count (belong) only when I’m being noticed or getting special service. I’m only important when I’m keeping you busy with me.

Power: Some children may act out to gain a sense of power or control, often when they feel powerless or overwhelmed in other areas of their lives.

The Mistaken Goal is– Misguided Power (to be boss)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I belong only when I’m boss, in control, or proving no one can boss me. You can’t make me.

Revenge: Children might display challenging behavior to get back at others, seeking revenge for perceived wrongs or injustices they have experienced.

The Mistaken Goal is –Revenge (to get even)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I don’t think I belong, so I’ll hurt others as I feel hurt. I can’t be liked or loved.

Assumed Inadequacy: In this case, children may adopt a defeated attitude and engage in misbehavior because they feel incapable, insecure, or incompetent.

The Mistaken Goal is – Assumed Inadequacy (to give up and be left alone)

The belief behind the child’s behavior is:

I can’t belong because I’m not perfect, so I’ll convince others not to expect anything from me. I am helpless and unable; it’s no use trying because I won’t do it right.

Once the mistaken goals are identified, adults can begin to take action to redirect the student’s purposes and help start better behavior.

Strategies might include:

• Offering positive attention and reinforcement for appropriate behavior.
• Providing choices and autonomy to meet the need for power constructively.
• Teaching problem-solving skills and alternatives to seeking revenge.
• Helping the student build the skills and confidence to face and overcome challenges rather than avoiding them.

All children misbehave. Positive Discipline encourages parents and educators to identify the underlying needs or goals behind a child’s behavior and respond constructively to address those needs. 

Instead of resorting to punitive measures, Positive Discipline promotes effective communication, problem-solving, and cooperation to help children develop social and emotional skills. 

By understanding and addressing the mistaken goals, adults can create a positive and supportive environment that fosters healthy development in children.

Warmly,

Gina Tryforos

Assistant Head of School-Student Support Coordinator

“Anyone who wants to follow my method must understand that he should not honor me, but follow the child as his leader.”
-Maria Montessori

I began my teaching career working at a public school where the focus was on the teacher leading. The belief was that children were empty vessels that needed to be filled with knowledge. When I transitioned to teaching at a Montessori school, it was an adjustment because the approach was different. In a Montessori classroom, the teacher’s role is to let the child lead. We observe and guide each child based on their individual needs. We act as a bridge between the child and the classroom environment, which is carefully designed to support their development. In this month’s Family Connection newsletter, you can read more about this concept of following the child in a Montessori classroom. I hope you find it informative.

There is a part of a child’s soul that has always been unknown but which must be known. With a spirit of sacrifice and enthusiasm, we must go in search, like those who travel to foreign lands and tear up mountains in their search for hidden gold. ~ Maria Montessori

Reflective Listening, as discussed in Positive Discipline in the Montessori Classroom, highlights the significance of genuine listening as a powerful tool in assisting children in resolving their own issues. 

We often find ourselves wishing for someone to simply listen without providing solutions when we share our problems. A friend who truly listens and refrains from excessive advice creates an environment where problem-solving can naturally unfold.

The art of listening, without the impulse to fix, is essential in bridging the communication gap between adults and students. Often, adults tend to listen with the intention to talk, fix, or advise, even when their input is well-intentioned. However, this often results in the rejection of the information, leaving adults puzzled about why the problem was brought up in the first place.

Reflective listening is a practical skill that enables adults to connect with children and adolescents genuinely. It involves listening attentively, reflecting on what was heard, and confirming understanding without offering unsolicited input. When students approach us to share, they are often seeking understanding, connection, and an opportunity to process their experiences.

A straightforward method to enhance effective listening when a student confides in you with a problem involves the following steps:

1. Listen attentively.
2. Repeat their words to mirror what you heard.
3. Validate their feelings.
4. Ask if there’s more they wish to share, and repeat the process until they have finished expressing themselves.

Reflective Listening employs a format similar to “I Statements” but focuses on mirroring the communicator’s words. 

For example, “You feel _______________, when _________________, and you wish __________________? Is there anything else?” 

Scenario:

Randall, a 6-year-old student, ran off after feeling embarrassed. Randall cannot just run off. 

 Adult: “So, you felt embarrassed when Franklin called you stupid in front of everyone, and you wished he’d be more respectful?” 

Adult: Is there anything else?” 

Child: I wish he would go away. 

So, you were feeling really hurt and embarrassed when he made fun of you in front of your friends, and you wish he would leave you alone?”

Adult: Is there anything else?” 

Child: “I tried to be friends with him, but he just keeps picking on me.”

Adult: “So, you’re feeling really sad when Franklin picks on you, and you wish he would be kinder to you?”

OR

“So, you were feeling really embarrassed and ran away, but you wish you could find a way to be friends with Franklin?”

Adult: Is there anything else?” 

Child: “I’m sorry I ran off again.  Maybe I can use the Peace Corner when I go back to class.”

This approach fosters an atmosphere where individuals feel understood and accepted, leading to an improved emotional state.

Besides helping children resolve their problems, Reflective Listening is also effective in helping students calm down; in the case of Randall, Reflective Listening played a crucial role in fostering a sense of connection and capability.

As adults master the art of reflective listening and refrain from immediately providing advice or direction, they will see that children are very capable problem-solvers and are motivated to “do better,” especially if they feel understood, trusted, and connected.

Children who are free to learn and explore at their own pace and on activities of their choosing for uninterrupted periods demonstrate remarkable self-discipline and concentration, a love for work and order, and a desire to work in solitude and with their peers. Montessori educators refer to this process as “normalization,” and it is the centerpiece of this month’s Family Connection newsletter. The newsletter discusses the role of teachers and the prepared environment in facilitating this process.

This month’s newsletter also highlights the concept of global citizenship, which is central to Montessori education. Montessori educators strive to foster respect and tolerance for others in their students, encouraging them to make choices that contribute to a better world. You can read this month’s newsletter from the American Montessori Society here.

As adults, sometimes we talk too much.

Many times, we find ourselves making a point and then continuing to speak, hoping that our reminders, coaxing, and explanations will inspire a child to cooperate and adhere to community guidelines.

Dr. Montessori advocated for the use of minimal words when delivering lessons. She recognized that by speaking less and taking more action, the child’s focus would remain on the message rather than the messenger.

A big part of Positive Discipline is using non-verbal signals as a measure of Kindness and Firmness. Whether you are parenting your children or a teacher in a classroom, using nonverbal cues enables you to address students discreetly without drawing unwarranted attention to them. 

This approach works well for students who may require frequent prompting. In the classroom, especially with UE and MS students, the teacher and the student, together, can agree on a private signal (e.g., the teacher tugs her ear) to remind the student to stay on task.

You may have heard the saying that 90% of communication is non-verbal. While that’s an exaggeration, non-verbal communication does hold significant weight.

If you know me, you know I love my research.

Research by Albert Mehrabian revealed that communication is 55% non-verbal, 38% vocal (tone of voice, pauses, etc.), and only 7% verbal. Studies have also shown that teachers’ non-verbal communication is correlated with student academic success.

Our actions really do often speak louder than our words. Teachers recognize this truth, and instead of incessantly reminding, coaxing, or nagging, we often use non-verbal communication to convey kindness and firmness. In response, we find that students treated with dignity and respect cooperate more readily.

Non-Verbal Signals (ages three and older):

Using signals is an effective method for interacting with children while establishing connections. Rather than verbally instructing a child to tidy up their mat left on the floor, a teacher might gently touch the child’s shoulder and offer a warm smile while pointing to the mat. When noticing a lunchbox left on the floor, an adult might pick it up and hand it to the child, prompting them to put it away.

Here are some other examples of signals for use with children:

• A hand on the teacher’s shoulder indicates a student’s desire to speak.
• A personalized signal between the child and the teacher to guide the child in centering themselves or taking a break from a group activity.
• Using the hand peace sign to signal the need for quiet and attention from a group.
• Extending an open palm indicates that children in conflict should place the disputed object in the adult’s hand.
• A walking motion with fingers on the palm to encourage a child to walk.
• Pointing to the foot instructs a child to put on their indoor shoes.
• The use of simple sign language is taught to all children.
• These signals are quiet, personal, and respectful. If the adult models kind and firm behavior, the use of signals can be empowering for the children and foster a connection, especially when accompanied by a warm, understanding smile.

Use a Note (ages six and older):

• Short, personalized notes can also be a discreet way to set limits and strengthen connections. Notes can be particularly effective for upper elementary and adolescent students.
• Notes can also be a powerful way to show appreciation and let students know they are seen and noticed and their contributions matter.

One of the core principles of Positive Discipline is that effective discipline is both kind and firm simultaneously. Children feel secure and develop cooperative relationships when they know that adults are on their side, even when it’s time to enforce boundaries. Non-verbal communication is one of the most potent ways to maintain relationships while upholding limits at school and home.

Gina Tryforos

Assistant Head of School and Student Support Coordinator